When you started dating each other, the odds are that you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. You had so much passion towards each other that you still don’t have words to describe it. If you didn’t, it could be worrisome. There could be a medical issue. In that case, you should have looked out for medical help.
As time went by, that passion refrained to the point that right now you have all the love in the world but not that fire you once had. You are in a sexless marriage. By that I mean you have been having sex about ten times or less a year.
A lot can work as a“Sex Block”:
- Low self-esteem towards your body image
- Medical issues
- Sex got boring
- Bad sexual experiences
- You don’t want to have the same kind of sex / have different views on what should be done in bed
- The sex needs are met elsewhere
- There is no wanting to be in the marriage any more
- For the woman, it can seem more like a mechanic act than a connection period, and she feels like her husband doesn’t care for her needs.
Identifying the problem is the first step to fix it. Some couples can try in some way to bring back intimacy and then experience a lack of success. Other ones can postpone the resolutions for “tomorrow.” When someone says they will do it “tomorrow,” the problem solving can be delayed for years. Sex is not a top priority.
Not having sex for years in a marriage can bring another set of problems: affairs; bigger arguments; you start to view your partner more as a roommate than a lover. At this point, you may not be willing to work on your marriage. You can think that “it is not worth the fight.” You give up on it.
It is not the end of your marriage. You need to work on it by making it a top priority. Don’t let it fall again on you “not so important” list.
To fix it you need to take several steps:
Make Your Marriage A Priority Above Everything Else
Marriages are for life so you can’t make it a priority today and forget about it the next day. You need to work on your relationship every day. Since you are trying to rekindle the physical part of your relationship, you need to have no distractions. Having quality time with your spouse is essential even if you are planning on just having a conversation. Make that time a priority. No distractions: no work, kids, friends, family in general, cellphones, tv… You name it, Cut it.
Most importantly, make your marriage the biggest priority in your life above everything, even kids. You don’t need to do it but it can end in divorce, and that is far from what you want. Give your time to the relationship as well as your fidelity.
Make Communication Ultra Important
Communication is crucial. Have open lines of communication. Talking to each other is the only way to know what is going on in your marriage and to find ways to fix it. You need to be willing to talk about the problems of your relationship with your spouse as well as listening. Problems can only be solved if both parties are in the same page.
You have to be aware that not everything you are going to hear is soft and easy. You may hear some hards truths. When this happens, don’t get defensive. It is important for you to hear these types of things to fix your relationship.
If you can’t keep the communication lines open or if all the communication is not going anywhere, you need to get help from an specialist.
Be Open To Change And Compromises
Every single people on the planet wants to things go their way, not matter what. That’s why relationships are so hard.
A relationship is made by two people: you and your partner. Not everything can go your way, so you have to compromise. You have to make some changes in your life in order to relate better to your partner and do things they need you to do.
Compromise comes when you can’t let go of your views. Never let your partner have their way if you don’t agree completely with what they want to do. If you do it, it will bring even more problems in the future. Try to compromise to make both of you happy with the decision.
If you are not willing to compromise whatsoever, you should stay single, so you can do whatever you want.
Before Having Sex, Find Other Ways To Be Physically Intimate
Remember when you started dating? Remember how it all began? It probably didn’t start immediately with sex. You needed one first contact: you held hands; you hugged; you gave each other some taps on the shoulder and you most probably kissed.
In the beginning, everything was magical. Anything you could do to show love and how passionate you were, you did it. As the relationship progressed, you became lazier and stopped doing those small things.
If you want sex back, you need to fight for it. Start by doing small things like leaving a good morning note on the pillow; kiss before leaving to work and after getting home; hold hands every time you can. If you start to feel more comfortable, ask your spouse if they want a massage after a long day of work. Make an environment where you make each other loved, valued and appreciated. Do acts of kindness: say thank you, wash the dishes, take the trash out, make a compliment. Nothing is too small to start.
Plus, when you get more comfortable, you start walking towards the bed part. You may not be, at this point, willing to have sex but anything that may count as foreplay it’s ok for you. Don’t put pressure on yourself because you NEED to have sex. Play around a little bit. Get to know your body better as well as your partner’s. Fool around like you are two kids finding out about sexuality.
Talk About Fantasies And Desires
When you feel more comfortable, talk about what you want in the bedroom: your fantasies; your desires; stuff you want to try out even if it seems ridiculous.
If your partner says something that sounds ridiculous, ask yourself “why not trying?” Try to compromise this especially if it is something your partner needs to feel fulfilled. Plus, unless you can get out of it physically hurt, there are not much more arguments for you not to try it. It can be uncomfortable in the beginning, but then it will become more natural over time.
Negotiate A Schedule
One important thing you need to do is to create time to have sex. If not, sex can be forgotten and postponed to eternity. Create time in your schedule on purpose to have sex. If not to have sex, to recover the physical intimacy that is long lost. Spend this time as a couple and not as a family.
Ask For Help
If nothing works and you feel like you can’t do this by yourself; if you think it is too hard to accomplish as a couple, do research and ask for help. Of course, it requires some monetary expense, but when you see your marriage working out, you will know that it was money well spent. Better look for it sooner than later. In reality, that is the trick to make therapy work. You should go into it willing to work out your issues and not thinking it is the end and you are running towards divorce.
Rekindle the magic can be hard, and you may not see a way to do it after years of marriage. It can be tough but it is not impossible. If you are unsure of what to do even with all of these tips on how to fix a sexless marriage, you should look specialized help. Work out with your partner a plan to solve this intimacy issue and if needed, see a doctor.