Fixing a marriage in any way is a hard task you must be willing to do. It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to do it with or with counseling. A marriage can be saved no matter its status. It only depends on the state of mind the couples has. Both need to be on the same page and with an open mind to accept whatever needs to be done. You need to work together towards the same goal.
Fixing a marriage without counselling can be the adventure of a lifetime. You love your spouse deeply, and the last thing you want to think about is: divorce. You want to try to solve this by yourselves without putting anyone in the middle, especially a therapist of any kind. Although it can be the hardest thing in your life, trying to save your marriage without counselling, it’s doable. Here are some things you should work on while trying to fix your marriage without couples therapy.
- Make a list of the problems
When trying to fix anything, the first step is always to know what the problem is. In a marriage, there can be a lot of issues that are not identified. Take your time and make a list of all of the issues in your relationship. Then you have to select those which are indeed an issue and a threat to your love bond.
Always go through this process with your spouse. You have to work together to solve everything even those issues you don’t talk about.
As a couple, find a way to make things right. Discuss it and make arrangements.
If you argue about everything and anything from time to time, you may be facing significant differences, and you will need to change drastically the way you talk to each other.
- Focus on yourself
When something happens, people always try to find who is guilty. In this case, you are probably not so much trying to blame your spouse (in your mind) but rather pointing out what they are doing wrong. Trying to change your partner can result in defensiveness, and when that happens, nothing gets done. No one likes to hear that what they are doing is all wrong. Instead, focus on yourself and on the things that you can do differently. Find a way to be ok with the stuff your partner does (and will do forever) that is not “that” ok with you. For instance, if your spouse always does something that you don’t necessarily like, find a way around it so it doesn’t bother you.
Be centered in yourself rather than your partner. If you are both trying to improve yourselves, the marriage will blossom.
- Be positive
Communication is the most crucial part of any relationship. By the end of that sentence, you are thinking “But I speak to my spouse, and nothing seems to change!”
Communication sometimes can be an art form. You can say stuff all day long, and the message won’t get through. Good communication comes when there is no yelling, no blaming, no aggression, no manipulation of any kind. You need to be direct with what you say. That doesn’t mean being rude. It means to express your thoughts and feelings the way you think it and feel it.
Don’t critique your spouse because he/she did not get what you meant. First, think about what you said and if it was mentioned in the best way possible. Cut anger by its roots and never use words to diminish your spouse.
- Don’t assume anything
When there are issues between two people, everything that is said or done can be interpreted the wrong way. In a not so good marriage, this can happen in giant proportions. Every move can seem something else. For example, if your partner stays late at work, it can make you think that he/she is having an affair.
When dealing with this, you have two options: you either start a fight or express your concerns constructively.
This scenario is most familiar with women that for months, try to figure out clues to support their theory. It’s one of those things that drive their husbands insane, and that escalates to bigger and bigger arguments.
You need to try and talk to your partner about your concerns. Don’t use an accusatory tone, or your spouse will get defensive. Try to stay calm while talking about this issue. Express your concerns and ask if what you are thinking is, indeed, true. Never accuse your husband/wife of doing it without even trying to understand what is going on.
Applying this scheme to any issue of your marriage will make you amazed how differently you will start to talk to each other.
- Learn how to compromise
When in a relationship, you can’t always have your way, and neither does your partner. When in a couple, you will have to learn how to compromise so you can accommodate your needs and your partner’s. It requires you to talk about all of the things that are not ok with you. Try to find a middle term where you are both happy with the arrangements or at least something where you are both comfortable, and you know that you can live with it and won’t be an issue later on. Also, since you are two different people, you will always have differences, and you both need to accept that.
Couples that make it are the ones that accept (or at least respect) the differences between each other.
Arrange the best way for you to live with each other by accepting, compromising and always find the best win-win situation.
- Eliminate the deal breakers
There are three “As” that work as a deal breaker in a marriage: affairs, addictions, and anger.
For a marriage to survive, these ones can’t exist. Help your partner to find a way to get rid of these and a way to tolerate the absence of it.
The better way to deal with this is if you find a way to do things differently in the future, so history doesn’t repeat itself.
- Don’t lose yourself in the marriage
When in a relationship, some people tend to lose themselves a bit. They are living with another person and invest all of their time and energy in the relationship. Nothing else matters besides the marriage. Of course, it changed you, and that’s normal.
You need to focus on yourself again and part of that refocus, should be you revisiting your dreams.
When you were single, you probably wanted to do a lot of stuff: travel, learn new stuff, do things you never did before. Then you got married, and everything went down the drain.
Think about all of those things and revisit you long life dream. Talk to your partner about it and find the best way to accommodate that into your married life. Explain how important it is for you to do it. Find yourself again in your marriage.
When trying to save your marriage, you are in reality building a new one with the same person. You were single, started dating and started to change at the same time. Then you got married and changed even more. It is normal, and it’s the way it goes for everyone. You are allowing another person to be in your life by changing yourself. The other person is doing exactly the same thing as you. It can make you, at some point, to feel lost, You blame your partner for that and begin to blame her/him for everything that is happening. Focusing on yourself and making improvements is the way you have to make your spouse change. You are both committed to renewing your marriage for better, and it goes a little bit like the game “Monkey sees, monkey does.”
See Also: How To Fix A Sexless Marriage?
Being focused on yourself and making changes will show your partner that you are genuinely committed to saving everything you built together. It makes the other one more receptive to the change and everything that’s needed to make the relationship better.
Of course, doing it at home all by yourselves can be a hard task that will bring an extra set of pressure. In this case, you should always search for couples therapy as a way to help you and your partner with your disagreements. You will have a third impartial person to help you with communication. Most of the times, you can try to talk and explain, and the message won’t get to its destination or worse. It won’t get there the right way which can escalate to huge arguments. Never be afraid of asking for help.
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