Relationships are the most beautiful thing. When you go out, you get amazed by the most recent couples. There is kissing, smiles, playfulness… There is joy all over. That was probably you years ago. Then life went on, the love for your partner grew, and you decided to get married and start a family. Somewhere along the way, things started to go “not so good” for the two of you. Now you are both tired and stressed and seems that nothing works between you two. Your marriage is broken, and you don’t know what to do. Divorce? counselling? “Can I save my marriage at this point?” The answer is “YES!”. You can save your marriage. It can always be done if the couple puts its mind into it.
If you are wondering if you should divorce, think about all the problems it will bring to you. Think about the kids (if you have them); the things you built together; all the logistics that come with it.
The other option is for you to see someone specialized in couples therapy. You may think that it is not for you but others. The reality is that you are only asking for help to fix something that you are too involved with. You are getting a new perspective on things, so it’s easier for you to deal with the problems.
Fixing a broken marriage is hard but not impossible. It takes a lot of dedication and dedication from both of you. To save the relationship you have with another person you have to, ironically, focus entirely on yourself and what you can change about you. Plus, you need to learn how to communicate constructively. No more screaming, no more anger in your sentences, no more criticizing. Figure out what your problems are and work on them together. Help is always welcome especially in the form of a counsellor. It will help you to put things in perspective, or you can hate it so much that to end up bonding over it.
Probably, the thing that can break your marriage for good is an affair. It is considered one of the deal breakers and for a good reason: all the trust was lost. But still, it is possible to recover from that.
How to fix a broken marriage after cheating
Fixing a marriage isn’t easy, let alone after cheating. Of course, you can choose the easy way out – divorce – but are you ready to lose the love of your life?
Here is what you need to do if you were the one that cheated.
1st – Know why you cheated
The first thing you need to know is why you cheated. There are a lot of reasons for it to happen: loneliness; laziness; boredom; complacency; you felt flattered by the person you cheated with. Knowing it will help you to remove the triggers in the future.
2nd – Break the contact with the other person
This one is self-explanatory. You need to break the connection with the person you cheated otherwise the temptation will always be there.
By breaking contact with the affair, it will give your spouse a sense of safety. If you work with that person, keep it strictly businesslike: no lunches, no coffees, no closed-door meetings. If that person tries to contact you in any way, tell your spouse. You need to be honest to be able to rebuild the lost confidence.
3rd – Answer all the questions
In order to solve the problem, you need to talk about it. Marriage experts agree that for couples to heal better, the adulterous spouse needs to be willing to answer every question honestly the betrayed partner asks. The willingness to talk about the issue rebuilds trust. Peggy Vaughan affair expert (author of author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, who developed the international Beyond Affairs Network ) says “You need to reach the point where you can talk about it without pain. If you never, ever discuss it, you cannot recover. My own husband had 12 affairs over seven years. I’m convinced the main reason I recovered was his willingness to answer all of my questions.”
4th – Take responsibility for what happened
Don’t blame your partner for what happened. You were the one who cheated. Take all the responsibility for it. For your marriage to heal you need to show regret and remorse.
Apologize for what happened and be empathetic to your spouse. The amount of empathy you show towards your spouse is an indicator of if the relationship will survive.
Apologize not only by saying “sorry.” You need to make a sincere and heartfelt apology right away. Your spouse will be hurt and full of anger. Understand that the apology won’t comfort your partner, but the absence of it will cause damage. Since this matter is huge, your partner will need time to process it – days, weeks, months – and you will need to apologize more than once. Every time you do it has to be as honest and heartfelt as the first one.
For your marriage to work, you will need to express your sorrow many times in many different ways. Never say “I’ve apologized a million times! What do you want? Blood?”. Say “I would give anything not to have been so stupid. I see the pain I caused. I am very sorry, and I know it will take time for you to believe me that will never happen again.”
5th – Give space to your spouse
Your spouse needs to process what happened, so you need to give him/her space. Let your partner call the shots. Don’t pressure for sex, don’t pressure him/her to have a house party, if he/she just wants to sit and meditate, let her/him be. For the immediate future, go with the flow.
Here is what you need to know if your partner cheated.
1st – Resist the temptation to leave
Your marriage can be saved. Don’t throw in the towel and say “That’s it.” Of course, some time apart can be useful for both of you to think and process what happened. Although, don’t make this an excuse to run away from your problems.
Talk about what happened. Try to understand why it happened. There is always a reason behind it. As a couple, you need to work to stay together, and part of that includes eliminating what made your partner cheat on you.
While you are trying to understand, you will want to scream and cry. You need to balance your need for information with your rage. Big emotions can make your partner not tell you the whole story. He/she will get defensive, and the problem won’t be resolved. To get the truth from your partner, you need to be compassionate. “When you get all the facts, you’re not obsessed anymore,” Vaughan says. “The only way your spouse will be willing to answer is if you can manage not to lash out and attack every time. Spouses who’ve had affairs are afraid to reveal everything because they’re worried it will become a marathon, with a downward spiral of out-of-control emotions.” If needed, take a break from the discussion and come back to it once you are both calmed down.
2nd – Find support
When dealing with such problems, feelings and emotions it’s hard to process everything in your own. Find support: reconnect with your family and friends; find a support group. You will feel less isolated.
Of course, being cheated is never good. It doesn’t matter if you are married or not. With love, anything can be conquered. You have to work with your partner to rebuild trust. To do it you need to work on your listening skills and communicating skills. You have to know what to say and to hear what your spouse has to say. “How to save my marriage?” is the question you are asking. The first step is always to identify the reason why your marriage is the way it is. To fix a broken marriage requires for you to have an open mind and to dedicate your heart and soul to your spouse. Love conquers all; you just have to be in sync with each other.