Now that you are broken up you are probably feeling lost and without knowing what to do. “Where to begin?”, you ask. Well, the truth is your body and mind start doing things automatically for you to cope with the pain. Ideas and thoughts begin to come to you about what you can do to ease the pain. Moving on is hard and can take what seems to be forever. Here you have some tips to help you to not get in a vicious circle of thinking about your ex, do what you have to do for the day and go to sleep.
1. Don’t constantly try to figure out what went wrong
Your relationship just ended and you keep thinking what you could have done differently. “What if I spent less time on my phone?” “What if I had done that thing for him I was hesitant to do?” “And what if I hadn’t moved to another city?”
These are some of the questions you may ask yourself, and that keeps you on an endless circle of pity, guilt, and sadness. The truth is that it takes two people to make the relationship and it also takes both of them for it to end.
Take some time to grieve the loss of the relationship. Change your state of mind and stop looking at the past because it will keep you from having a better future.
2. Don’t keep their number “just in case.”
Why would you keep your ex phone number? Are you planning on calling your ex? What are the circumstances that would require you to call your ex?
Unless you’re planning on getting back together, you should delete it. There is a lot of power on symbolic gestures. Getting free of your ex number it’s a way to free your soul and a slot in your contact list for someone new.
Plus, if you get drunk, unless you have a friend looking over you, you are going to feel tempted to drunk dial your ex, and we all know that is the worst idea ever (and let’s hope you don’t remember the number after deleting it).
3. Don’t Ask mutual friends about your ex
If you still love your ex and you spend most of your time thinking about her/him, you will feel tempted to know how he/she is. You may start stalking your ex on social media, and you will feel tempted to ask mutual friends about him/her.
Usually, your curiosity revolves on what your ex is doing, if he/she has already moved on; if your ex has something big coming up for them; how is your ex dealing with the break-up.
By asking people about your ex, you will be focusing on his/her life instead of yours. You should focus on yourself: try starting new projects; get out of your comfort zone.
Fight that urge to know about the person that broke your heart. You will be hurting yourself even more.
4. Don’t Try to be friends right away
Some people say that relationships ruin friendships. They are not wrong. If you break up with your partner and try to be friends right away, it won’t work because you will try to do what friends do while trying to get over each other.
Friends talk, hang out, have coffee together. How can you get over someone if you don’t stop seeing that person?
The best way is to cut off communication for, and then try to become friends little by little.
5. Do break up with their social media right away
The same principle of deleting your ex- phone number applies here. You need to cut off communication entirely. Don’t call your ex, don’t send messages, don’t stalk him/her in social media, don’t ask about your ex to mutual friends and if they start saying things without you asking them, tell them to shut up.
You are trying to move on and not to move back. It’s time to think about your future, about the good things that are to come. Your ex- came but didn’t stay. That is in the past and it can only hurt you if you allow it.
6. Don’t try to move on quickly
Breakups change your emotional state. The balance between happiness and sadness in your mind is completely messed up.
Getting in a new relationship can provide you the happiness you are looking for, but it may not be really happy. It is usually a rebound relationship without you noticing it. It helps you to get by this hard time in your life.
If you are trying to move on quickly, a new relationship can look like it is a good choice.
No matter the reason you start dating again, it comes to an inevitable end: you don’t let yourself to have space to process the break up in your mind in a sober way. Dating again keeps you numb, and you lose the ability to grief your previous relationship.
You should take your time and not try to rush things, or you may never get over your ex completely.
7. Don’t have broken up sex especially if you have not seen each other for months
As Raj (Kunal Nayyar) says in one episode of The Big Bang Theory, sex is like adding sprinkles to a friendship. But, let’s face it, you may not be friends with your ex, and in that case, sex can complicate things a lot.
If you had a relationship for an extended period of time, months might not be enough to forget your ex completely, and sex can bring back all the feelings that were almost gone. Even if you both agree on casual sex, it can turn into something bigger and become anything but casual.
The solution here is to have sex with someone else. I may even help you to move on more easily.
8. Have an ex-free environment
The best thing to help you to forget your ex is to have an ex-free environment. Purge is the keyword. You need to get rid of everything that has something to do with your ex: clothes, pictures, jewelry, tickets that you kept from someplace you went together. Anything that reminds you of your ex is allowed to go in the trash.
Free yourself from your ex in any way you can. Your mind will be much more peaceful, and you will sleep much better.
If you don’t feel like throwing anything in the trash, put it in a sealed box for some time but throw it out when you feel courageous.
9. Stand by your decision
If you were the one deciding to end the relationship you probably aren’t planning on going after your ex. And if that thought crosses your mind, ignore it. Stand by your decision. You did it because you felt like it was time to do it.
Your ex can come after you because he/she still loves you. Feeling guilt and missing what you had is normal especially if you still love that person. It’s easy to give in when that happens, but you have to remember the reasons you left that person. Nerve give in to guilt and sorrow. It only brings pain and sadness in the long run.
10. Begin a routine
One thing that helps to get some sense of stability in your life is to get a daily routine. Schedule your day, so you do the same thing every day. It helps to have some consistency in a world of chaos.
Embrace the break up as an opportunity to start a new project or a workout routine. It will bring some balance in your life, and as your mind becomes more organized, your need for a strict routine will disappear. When it happens, you will know that everything is starting to get easier to deal with.
11. Be with your friends
After a break up you may feel lonely like no one understands what you are going through. Your support system is a mess, and you don’t know what to do. Seeing yourself like this, it’s the outcome of the end of the relationship, but that’s not real.
You still have people that love you as you are and they are more than ready to give you their support. I am talking about your friends. Tell them what is going on because they can help you easily. Hanging out with your friends helps you to not think about your worries, and if you start thinking about them, your friends will always be there to help you to find a solution to all of that chaos in your head.
12. Take care of yourself
The best thing to do after a breakup is for you to focus on yourself and no one else.
When you get in a relationship, you become a couple and both work as if you were only one. You adapt to the other person, you make compromises, you may even forget the things you love the most because your ex may not enjoy them.
Take time for yourself, to find your purpose, to remember what you love, to think about what you want for yourself.
Maybe you want to do yoga; writing a book; take a trip to the other side of the world. Take time to figure out what is coming next for you and take care of yourself.
Love the person you are both inside and outside. Love attracts love. All you have to do is be patient.
13. Write down your feelings
When your head is a mess, and your thoughts are chaos the best thing to organize them is to write down what is going on your mind.
Coming out of a break up can bring a lot of feelings to you that you didn’t know existed. Write down every emotion you are having. It will purge your mind, and things will become clearer for you to see. It doesn’t matter if it is on paper or your computer (don’t do it on social media. No one wants to face metaphorical tears, and a lot of people will take advantage of your pain), your feelings will become less abstract.
Write down your pain so if you start thinking it is a good idea to come back to your ex, you can always read it and remind yourself why the relationship didn’t work in the first place.
14. Do Stop blaming yourself
There is a saying that goes like this “It takes two to tango.”. This sentence applies to any relationship you might have in your life. No one is perfect and if the relationship ended it’s because something happened. It doesn’t matter why it happened because it’s over. Right now all you have to do is to move on.
The relationship was made by you and your partner, and you can’t keep on thinking about what went wrong. Let go of it. There is nothing you can do. Stop blaming yourself for what happened. If it was your fault, say sorry and move on. If it wasn’t your fault, and the relationship ended, but you didn’t forgive your partner, move on as well. Destiny works in crazy ways, and all you can do is to think about your future.
What Do We Get From This?
In the beginning, all of this may seem impossible. All you see is pain and you are lost in your life. Give it time, all the time you need. Do these things step by step when you feel prepared to do it? Don’t try to rush things, you are adapting to a new reality in your life and learning again how to be alone. It’s hard, but it’s not impossible. Keep positive thinking, and do what makes you happy. If you feel pressured by people to move on quickly be aware: it’s you, your body, your mind and your health that are at stake. They have nothing to do with it.